Essence of a Murderer
by XxHeartlessKissxX
Summary: Light is stuck in nothingness, his mind is  gone, he remembers sometimes, shackles that disappear into the abyss, his only company. He searches for his dark haired lover at their end. LXLight Fluff/Lemon and ANGST! :


**A/N: **Looky! I fixed the stupid spacing! On my very first fanfic! okay...now read! and then vote on the pole on my profile.

**Warning**: Yaoi and emo stuff

**Music:** _Broken-_**Seether feat. Amy Lee**

**Disclaimer:** I have never, don't now, and will never own Death Note!

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><p><em><span>Essence <span>_

Time passes slowly for me, each day I spend here stretches into eternity and the shackles I wear stretch endlessly away. I don't understand this place anymore, I used to though, once a long time ago (at least I think it was a long time ago) I knew who I was, why I had been condemned to this fate, and I still remembered the time before. Now there's only fragments left, tiny shattered images that float through my mind.

I remember my name sometimes when I get lost in these pieces of my past, I think it was something about the opposite of this thing that surrounds me, once I had a name for that too; I think it was black but more than black. I don't know, I've lost my mind. I know I have. But I'm beginning to drown in my own thoughts again….

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><p><em>"Light-Kun, wake up." Cold hands shook me and I swatted at them, "Ryuzaki! Where you drinking iced coffee again?" I heard a chuckle, "Of course not Light-kun, tasting the ghastly stuff once was enough, however I noted then that you react much more quickly to cold touches in the morning."<em>

_I rolled over to face the insomniac who'd likely spent the last few hours watching me and, judging by the crumbs on the bed, eating his way through several boxes of doughnuts. I opened my mouth to ask him what had been so important that he'd decided to resort to such methods of rousing me when his laptop made a "ping!" and he turned toward it so fast I thought for sure he'd fall off the bed._

_As it was he barely caught himself and stepped off the bed, the thin chain connecting us was already tight around my chest from rolling in my sleep and as he leaned toward the machine it became difficult to breathe._

_"Ry-yuza-k-ki." I managed to pant, he turned toward me, in the opposite direction that was required to loosen the chain and it squeezed still tighter. Without a word he crawled back onto our shared bed and reached to loosen the offending links of metal, his long fingers gently brushing my skin and I shivered softly, his midnight eyes met mine, "I am sorry for waking you this way Light-kun. I simply wished to ask for your opinions on some new findings…" he trailed off and with his help I freed myself._

_"It's alright, next time just throw a pillow at me or something okay?" he nodded and remained silent, I waited a few moments more and when nothing was forthcoming spoke again, "So, what did you find that you wished to share?"_

_He looked away, his cheeks coloring and I stared dumbfounded, Ryuzaki? Blush? I would never have believed it if I hadn't seen it. " Light-kun, my findings were not related to the Kira case, rather, they were simply an observation I had about you in the night."_

_He tilted his head and looked at me with a kind of curiosity I rarely seen him exhibit, usually it was just the calculating suspicious gaze. Not knowing what to say I raised my eyebrows at him in askance and gestured with my hand the way I'd seen others do when trying to draw something out of someone. He hesitated for a moment, "Light-kun, you are quite beautiful when you sleep, though in the first light of the day I must admit I became somewhat frightened by your countenance, you appeared as though dead."_

_I just stared at him, "Ryuzaki, did you truly wake me merely to tell me I was beautiful? Or were you afraid I was truly deceased?" What he did then surprised me so much that my mind blanked and instincts ruled completely._

_Leaning in much closer he pressed a kiss to my lips and murmured, "The latter more so. I love Light-kun, therefore Light-kun cannot die." Before kissing me once more, the shock lasted long enough that by the time I could truly think properly it didn't matter, my fingers were twined in his dark hair and I was the one who deepened the kiss, his lips tasted so sweet and warm._

_We fell together easily, he won dominance and explored my mouth with his hot tongue, the sugary taste not all that bad and when we finally drew apart we were panting. "Ryuzaki, what…?"_

_He simply looked at me, his thumb coming to his lips in his usual way as he watched me curiously, "Did light-kun not enjoy the kiss?" I stared again, "What? Of course I…" did i? oh god, I didn't enjoy it did I? I closed my eyes, heat rushing to my cheeks as Ryuzaki's voice permeated my mind, " You what Light-kun?" I huffed softly and opened my eyes to look at the strange man before me lovingly, "I...I liked it. Ryuzaki? Aren't you going to get into trouble for this though? I am your main suspect after all."_

_He just gave me a small smile, features shifting adorably and wanted to make him smile again and again. We stayed like that, watching each other for a few minutes before I had to ask, "Ryuzaki?" I paused and he prompted softly, "Yes Light-Kun?" I bit my lip before I finished, not sure if I really wanted an answer, something in me wanted his love, wanted it badly so I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you really mean that you love me? Because if this is some new route of questioning to make me confess I can't deal with that, just not right now so if it is Ryuzaki please just…don't."_

_I looked up at him trying to hide my fear and make myself seem indifferent. His eyes met mine and he reached to press his hand to my cheek, "You ARE Kira, say what you will, I have always known but somewhere along the way that stopped mattering to me, I stay on the case in hopes that maybe I can convince you to change and if you force my hand I will see you jailed, but I hope that you do not because I love you Light. I really, really do. My heart as pushed aside what my mind knows for the first time, that you are a mass murder who has essentially committed genocide and I am L, the world's greatest detective who must stop you at any cost. Those things are like details in a painting, forgotten until the last minute when I have to face them no matter how much I don't want to. So no, I am not trying for a confession, not to something I already know and one that I know you will never give. Light-kun I love you, monster that you are underneath your beauty, I love YOU not kira and not your ideals, but YOU and I-"_

_I silenced him with my hand, pressing it softly to his lips, "That's enough Ryuzaki, that's all I really needed." I moved my hand to the nape of his neck and pulled him close, our lips crashing together heatedly, the sound of ripping cloth barely reached either of us through the lust-haze. He stopped kissing me suddenly and as I was about to protest I felt his fingers close around me, somehow I was completely naked, oh and so was he._

_I gasped and leaned back as he kissed across my chest while slowly pumping my member, his tongue swirling around my nipples slightly. I tangled my fingers in his hair as he continued painting a trail of liquid fire across my skin, moaning as he took me in his mouth and began to bob his head._

_My head hit the pillows and my fingers curled into the sheets as I cried out, trying to stifle it as he increased the pressure. I begged him, "s-s hnn…Ryuza…S-s-stop!" I wanted him and didn't want this to end to soon. He raised his head, releasing my length with a slight pop, "What is it Light-kun?" he tilted his head and gazed up at me with those large obsidian eyes._

_I blushed, "I…want you and well…" I glanced toward the ceiling in effort to escape his curious eyes. He was blocking my view suddenly, smiling at me very gently, "of course." I blinked. Well that was helpful. He shifted suddenly and leaned over the bed for a moment, reaching for something and set back up, holding a bottle of lubricant between his thumb and forefinger, "I believe this is in order." I laughed at him, he looked so comical sitting there head to the side naked and staring at the bottle as if he'd just been told he had to swallow it._

_He shot me a look and was hovering over me again in an instant, his lips pressing to mine as he slowly inserted a finger in my entrance. I moaned into his mouth as he gently stretched me and he swallowed it easily as he added another and scissored his fingers slowly. He continued, adding a third after he felt I was ready while his tongue ravaged my mouth and I moaned and gasped against his lips. He removed his hand suddenly and I protested thoughtlessly, "L!" having given up on ever getting the alias out amist kisses and groans._

_He smirked at me, "A little patience Light-kun." He dropped a kiss on my nose and I moaned as he entered me. There was pain but looking into his dark eyes it faded and I smiled at him. We stayed unmoving until I nodded at him to let him know he could move and he did so eagerly, slamming into to me until I was moaning his name and when he found that spot, the one that made stars erupt in my vision I screamed._

_He shifted so that he hit my prostate with every thrust and reached between off to stroke me, my stomach clenching and my vision going as I came on our stomachs, crying his name through shuddering breaths. He followed soon after and leaned down to kiss my shoulder as he gently slid out of me to collapse beside me and pull me into his arms._

_"I love you L." I murmured against him, his lips brushed my hair and he spoke softly, "Sleep well Light-kun."_

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><p>Memories.<p>

Kira.

Misa.

Nothing.

Ryuk.

Dark.

ME.

Light, Light Yagami that's who I was and as the last echoes of my memory faded I realize I am crying and calling out, "Lawliet! Please!" over and over.

I settle gradually clinging desperately to that name, Lawliet, that's who he was. I struggled to remember where he'd been when I died and then I didn't want to know but it's too late and I'd already looked, my mind betraying my secrets to me. "No!" I gasp out, crying again, because I'd been the one to kill him. My beautiful Lawliet.

I remember the time when I was chained to him so well, when I'd forgotten all the things I'd done and as I look at the chains that extend into the darkness connected to my wrists and spreading away from me.

Maybe, I dare to hope, that Lawliet might be here with me and I take hold of the chains and follow them into the black. I wonder for what seems like forever, probably is forever and there in the dark is something pale and white and I cry in relief and throw my arms around him.

"Light?" He looks so tired, so sad and so very terrified of me even as he presses his hand to my cheek and I start to sob against him. He cradles me close and whispers to me quietly, nothing that matters, just quiet gibberish.

I look at him then, really look, he is exhausted and it looks like he's been crying for a long, long time and it makes me sadder but there is so much uncertainty in his eyes, like he thinks I'm still trying to destroy him. "Lawliet." I whisper and he flinches because I know his name but smiles at me and kisses me softly, "Light, I'm sorry, I can't stay much longer, I've held on for a long time." I don't understand and shake my head, "No, you're with me now. Nothing can take you away, not anymore."

I bury my face in his shirt and he murmurs to me, " Light, we aren't suppose to exist, we're supposed to be part of the nothing, not separate from it, it's been destroying me, we only lasted this long because our minds." I understand then and it terrifies me, he has to leave me again, and this time there's no coming back so I whisper brokenly, "but I just found you."

He smiles at me sadly and I understand to much again, he was waiting for me, hanging on for me. We're both crying and he leaned down to kiss me, tongue pressing into my mouth to explore as I wept but took what he had to give gratefully, the kiss goes on and on.

Before we really know how he is inside me and my legs are around his waist as we whisper I love you's between kisses, and I watch him moving above me, so beautifully fragile and I hate myself for killing him. We come together, he leans down and kisses me ever so gently and murmurs, "I'm sorry Light, I love you."

His lips ghosting across my forehead as he vanishes forever, taking all that was left of my sanity with him and as the shackles disappear I feel like I am ripping apart. My screams seem to just keep coming until I dissolve to, my last thought is relief that now Lawliet and I will be part of the same thing.

My perfect, beautiful L fills my mind and then we are nothing but black.

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><p><strong>AN:** SO i cried after i wrote this..and i made my friend cry when she read it and that's when i decided no more over sleeping for me...I just liked this so much..but i didn't space it right so i fixed it and re-uploaded it..review if you'd like :)


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